Thursday, March 09, 2006

Take a deep breath...

How many times in my life am I going to have to keep taking these big deep breaths and jumping blindly into the world of the unknown. How am I supposed to just keep believing it will all work out?

Jeri and I worked out so shouldn't everything else? My new job is working out, but in that weird place in my mind I feel like if I have too much good that I have to suffer somewhere else to pay the universe back for letting me be happy. I have Amelia and I know that many women would kill to give birth and be able to raise a beautiful healthy child. I have paid for that happiness with my pregnancy loss nightmares though (irrational?).

I am an educated person with a good job but I am paying for that too. My credit sucks and it is mostly my ex husbands fault and I cannot control it and so I can't buy anything big like a house or a car like a normal person.

I found Jeri, and finally feel loved for the first time in my life. I also have not one person in my biological family that will speak to me voluntarily. This is not a huge loss for the most part, and I am in no way suggesting that it is because of Jeri, just the universe evening out the score.

We lost Julia. Now that can be looked at one of two ways. First, I am Pre-suffering for the wonderful babies that jeri and I will have and love in the future. Second, it is an extension of my suffering that I have to endure for having Mia. I guess we will soon find out.

I just want to be ahead. I just want to jump and land on may feet more than not. I want babies with Jeri and not have to suffer and agonize and fall into a dark depression to do it. I am weak from the universe punishing me. It gets to the point where you are OK without anything great for a while because you know that one day the universe will knock you on your ass for it.

Tomorrow morning I will take a deep breath again and get a glimpse of what my future may hold. Could the universe finally let me win?

Stay Tuned...


Blogger Jeri said...

ah baby. see how good the text from ohio worked, talking you into the blind leap. just take my hand again and we can get through anything.
i love you.

7:58 AM  

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