Thursday, March 09, 2006

Take a deep breath...

How many times in my life am I going to have to keep taking these big deep breaths and jumping blindly into the world of the unknown. How am I supposed to just keep believing it will all work out?

Jeri and I worked out so shouldn't everything else? My new job is working out, but in that weird place in my mind I feel like if I have too much good that I have to suffer somewhere else to pay the universe back for letting me be happy. I have Amelia and I know that many women would kill to give birth and be able to raise a beautiful healthy child. I have paid for that happiness with my pregnancy loss nightmares though (irrational?).

I am an educated person with a good job but I am paying for that too. My credit sucks and it is mostly my ex husbands fault and I cannot control it and so I can't buy anything big like a house or a car like a normal person.

I found Jeri, and finally feel loved for the first time in my life. I also have not one person in my biological family that will speak to me voluntarily. This is not a huge loss for the most part, and I am in no way suggesting that it is because of Jeri, just the universe evening out the score.

We lost Julia. Now that can be looked at one of two ways. First, I am Pre-suffering for the wonderful babies that jeri and I will have and love in the future. Second, it is an extension of my suffering that I have to endure for having Mia. I guess we will soon find out.

I just want to be ahead. I just want to jump and land on may feet more than not. I want babies with Jeri and not have to suffer and agonize and fall into a dark depression to do it. I am weak from the universe punishing me. It gets to the point where you are OK without anything great for a while because you know that one day the universe will knock you on your ass for it.

Tomorrow morning I will take a deep breath again and get a glimpse of what my future may hold. Could the universe finally let me win?

Stay Tuned...

1 Comments:

Blogger Jeri said...

ah baby. see how good the text from ohio worked, talking you into the blind leap. just take my hand again and we can get through anything.
i love you.

7:58 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home