why.

I had a bizarre feeling yesterday and this morning which always freaks me out because of the twins. I didn't really feel like it was them but I sometimes get "the universe is not right" feelings.

Possible reasons for this are:
1. Jeri is rapidly approaching the same gestation as when she lost Julia.
2. Julia's conception date was this past Thursday.
3. I have not had a period in over 8 weeks (sympathy pregnancy).
4. I am fat. Gaining almost 50lbs in the last 18 months.
5. I am very stressed. Lots of schoolwork, lots of bills, lots of work.
6. There is little going on in the bedroom. Ever.
7. I need a hobby.
8. I am obsessed with the well being of my beautiful twins.
9. I have no control over this pregnancy.
10. I am crazy and need to ne medicated.

Now add with that shit running around my brain all day the fact that I am all over the internet reading all kinds of bad things. And the fact that I have seen way too much in my years as a L&D and NICU nurse.

About a week ago I read a blog about a woman who had a prenatal diagnosis of trisomy 13.

Today Jeri called me and said that a coworker, a friend, a good person who tried to get pregnant for 2 years and finally got her miracle, was admitted to the hospital.

Her 24+ week fetus is very small. Too small. There is also no amniotic fluid around the baby and he is not really moving around at all. They just did an amnio, very difficult to get fluid. All are symptoms of trisomy 13, or 18, or just not a healthy viable fetus. My heart breaks for her. I am so sad.

She has dedicated her life to the well being of critically ill neonates in the NICU. Now she will be very lucky to have a live baby, let alone a healthy one.

Why does this shit happen to people? Why can't the universe be fair? Why can't I turn off my brain?

Why.