Life with Jee

Jaeci's Story

2006-10-24T17:57:00.000-04:00

Jaeci’s Story

Jaeci Claire Michelle was born with her twin brother Jaxen on a cool fall evening. Her little body weighed a mere 3lb 6oz but she was immediately full of life. She had thick brown hair with beautiful golden highlights. Her hair was the first thing you noticed and the talk of the NICU. Her mommies were able to wash her hair for the first time and give her first bath. She was calm and loved having the water run over her head.

After she was born she continued to amaze everyone with how laid back and stable she was. Jaxen had been the baby that everyone worried about, throughout the pregnancy and his first days he gave us plenty to be concerned about. Jaeci was the show off. She never needed oxygen, she was the first to eat, she was the first to go into the open crib, everyone thought for sure she was coming home first.

Jaeci did gave everyone a scare a week before she passed. For her safety she was not allowed to eat and had to endure several uncomfortable procedures. She handled them all so well, she was calm and patient. The doctors and nurses commented regularly on how well she was doing. One nurse even called her Zen baby. She was that easy going.

She had long fingers and toes, a tiny button nose, and her mommy’s beautiful eyes.
Her eyes were getting lighter and lighter everyday, and framed by remarkably long eyelashes. Her eyes were so vibrantly blue during her mommies’ last visit with her. She was awake and alert and engaged them with her beautiful blue eyes.

Jaeci’s big sister Mia was there to visit that night too and everyone had a great time dressing the twins for their hospital pictures. Jeri, Jeani, and Betsy fussed over the twins for a long time getting that perfect picture. If they only knew how important those pictures truly were. Jaeci and Jaxen had fun touching each others faces and hands in a rare moment shared together in Jaxen’s crib.

Jaeci's favorite thing to do was kangaroo care. Her mommies would hold her skin to skin in the NICU for hours. Jaeci would settle in and sleep soundly making tiny baby noises. They could feel her heart beating and her breath on their chests. It was a tremendous bonding experience for them all.

During their last evening with Jaeci, Jeri spent an hour kangarooing her and staring at all of her. She breathed deep of her hair to carry the scent home with her. Jeri just held her and cried as she rooted on her chest. Jaeci had been breast feeding. It was heartbreaking not to be able to comfort her child. Jeri just stared at her eyelashes, amazed at their length. Touched her beautiful shoulder, and rubbed her soft back to comfort her. She outlined her little ears and whispered how much she loved her. She looked into her eyes and patted her butt, and softly sang “ah, ah, baby” to her, as Jeris family did to all the babies. It was the first and last time she was able to do that. Jeri also stood up and rocked her for a while. also for the first and last time. Jeri spent that time imagining her future. She was such a beautiful baby, her smile was amazing. Jeri remarked to Jeani that she was going to have such a beautiful smile when she grew up. Jeri thought about her and Jaxen learning to walk, playing out in the warm summer days, going to school for the first time, driving, which one of them would play sports. She wondered if Jaeci would like to read like she does. What she would study in college. She wondered what she would be passionate about. Jaeci just lay on her chest looking up at her with such a calm look on her face. Jeri remarked to Jeani that she could finally see what they were talking about when they called her the Zen baby. Jaeci curled her hand up and grabbed onto Jeri’s necklace and didn’t let go until it was time to return her to her isolette.

Her mommies were grieving over the thought of leaving her alone in the NICU for a week after taking Jaxen home the next morning. What was to occur over the next couple hours was not even a possibility. Her mommies had no idea that she only had 3 more hours to live and not 80 years.

Jaeci passed away in the early hours Wednesday October 18, 2006. She was in the arms of her mommies and her sister Mia. Her Grandpa, Meema, and Papa were there, as well as her Aunt sunny and Uncle Boo.

The nurses had weighed her that night, she had finally reached 4 lbs.

The last 6 weeks

2006-08-11T11:20:00.000-04:00

Click to view the last 6 weeks of my life

Pics of Jeri, Jaxen, and Jaeci

2006-06-26T06:16:00.000-04:00

Jeri 19 weeks

Jaeci Claire 17weeks

Jaxen Patrick 17 weeks

19 Weeks

2006-06-24T13:48:00.000-04:00

Jeri is 19 weeks and likely 1/2 way through the pregnancy. The twins are a boy and Girl. Jaxen Patrick and Jaeci Claire. We are going for the level 2 ultrasound on the 30th. Jeri is doing well, she is out of work for the duration of the pregnancy. She is staring to look more pregnant and we are feeling the babies move regularly.

Jeri just asked me if we can have another baby after the twins are born. She is loving being pregnant. Due to the real fact that we will be poor after the twins come I think that this might be impossible. Her next bright idea was that we could register for sibling sperm. My wife.... always thinking!

My family

2006-06-01T18:49:00.000-04:00

Today is blog for LGBT family day! http://www.mombian.com/2006/05/03/lgbtfamilies/

My family is wonderful. I am partnered to a wonderful woman who has completely changed my life and lets me believe I can be happy. Our daughter is the greatest kid on earth and my clone which can be rewarding and challenging all at the same time.

We are expecting twins this fall and will find out in 11 days who they are. Our life is perfect and I am happy to blog this on beahlf of all LBGT families everywhere!

Wow that was fast!

2006-05-17T22:44:00.000-04:00

Jeri is 13 weeks and 4 days pregnant! We saw the perinatologist on the 5th and he said that he could not identify one thing that he is concerned about! Yeah for us! We love the babies so much. Amelia is convinced that they are a boy and a girl. I am convinced only that Ampersand is a girl and that Asterisk is going to be a handful!

Here is the pic. We go on the 12th of June and hopefully we can find out who these beautiful babies are.

Oh the sweet sound...

2006-05-03T10:28:00.000-04:00

Against my better judgement I brought home a doppler that my friend gave me. We tried to listen in the morning and they wouldn't cooperate. Later last night after a few minutes we found them and they were loud, clear distinct and seperate. We very eaily heard both babies and could tell them apart. It was so amazing and I loved being able to do it at home instead of the office for the first time. New U?S on Friday and meet the new perinatologist. Updates to come.

We Love you both so much...

2006-04-24T20:00:00.000-04:00

New twin pics! They are all seperate because our wigglers are too big to get good pics together. They are healthy and perfect size for dates and &'s heart rate was 162, and *'s was 169. Jeri has a very small fibroid. HMM? We are going to ask the OB about it but the ultrasound tech says it is too small to cause problems. We are officially furthur along than any other pregnancy. We are going to have two babies and I can't wait!

Don't scare momma like that!

2006-04-15T13:24:00.000-04:00

So we had a pretty good day yesterday. Got a lot accomplished! Took down 2 aquariums that all the fish died in. moved some furniture around, cleaned up the center of the house. Jeri did help but didn't do any heavy lifting and took a lot of recliner breaks.

We then went and grabbed some Chinese food, watched some TV and I decided to repot the cactus garden. 5 minutes later jeri came in and said we needed to go to the hospital.

She was having some brown spotting. Just like last year, and that time when we had an ultrasound Julia was gone. Right around 10 weeks.

I called the midwife and away we went. I called the unit (it's the hospital where I work on L&D) and asked about the ultrasound and they said they would call someone in.

I did the 30 minute drive in about 22. I promised to buy them a pony if they were both OK.

They were so great when we got there. The U/S tech was waiting for us and as soon as Jeri was in the computer we were on our way down.

The tech started to measure Jeri's ovaries. UM NO. We wanted to see their hearts beating. She said she couldn't tell us. I told her I worked upstairs, on L&D, I had my badge on, and I told her she didn't have to say anything, I could look and interpret it. She moved the wand over and said do you see it?

And there they were. Perfect, beautiful, strong heart rates, and MOVING!!! They were wiggling all around, baby B was so wiggly that the tech had to measure the heartbeat 3 times.

After that she lightened up, after I assured her I would not get her into trouble. Their heart rates were 180's and everyone said that is normal at this stage. They measure perfect size for dates, Baby A is a touch bigger than B, but still perfect size.

So no more spotting. Actually by the time Jeri got back up from the ultrasound it was gone. Jeri is under orders to rest. We feel drained. It was so scary. I felt so helpless.

We have decided to postpone the appt. with the high risk doctor because she was going to do a big U/S and we just had one. It's too much to have ultrasounds only a few days apart. It was just a consult and likely that she was just going to say everything looks good, keep doing everything your doing (she actually did say that but it was "unofficial" at the desk @ work). We are going to reschedule it for 12 weeks.

We see the OB on the 25th and have an ultrasound the day before.

I told jeri and the babies. This cannot happen again, my heart can't take it.

And this morning I went out easter shopping and bought them each a toy pony.

why.

2006-04-09T17:31:00.000-04:00

I had a bizarre feeling yesterday and this morning which always freaks me out because of the twins. I didn't really feel like it was them but I sometimes get "the universe is not right" feelings.

Possible reasons for this are:
1. Jeri is rapidly approaching the same gestation as when she lost Julia.
2. Julia's conception date was this past Thursday.
3. I have not had a period in over 8 weeks (sympathy pregnancy).
4. I am fat. Gaining almost 50lbs in the last 18 months.
5. I am very stressed. Lots of schoolwork, lots of bills, lots of work.
6. There is little going on in the bedroom. Ever.
7. I need a hobby.
8. I am obsessed with the well being of my beautiful twins.
9. I have no control over this pregnancy.
10. I am crazy and need to ne medicated.

Now add with that shit running around my brain all day the fact that I am all over the internet reading all kinds of bad things. And the fact that I have seen way too much in my years as a L&D and NICU nurse.

About a week ago I read a blog about a woman who had a prenatal diagnosis of trisomy 13.

Today Jeri called me and said that a coworker, a friend, a good person who tried to get pregnant for 2 years and finally got her miracle, was admitted to the hospital.

Her 24+ week fetus is very small. Too small. There is also no amniotic fluid around the baby and he is not really moving around at all. They just did an amnio, very difficult to get fluid. All are symptoms of trisomy 13, or 18, or just not a healthy viable fetus. My heart breaks for her. I am so sad.

She has dedicated her life to the well being of critically ill neonates in the NICU. Now she will be very lucky to have a live baby, let alone a healthy one.

Why does this shit happen to people? Why can't the universe be fair? Why can't I turn off my brain?

Why.

Babies

2006-04-04T10:09:00.000-04:00

New Pic of the twins. Doing very well. Baby A (&)had a heart rate of 155 and baby B (*) had a heart rate of 145. Perfect size, perfectly beautiful babies. I teared up a little when we were watching them on the screen together with their little hearts beating away. I love them so much already. I love Jeri so much for growing them. Our next ultrasound is April 24th and an appointment on April 25th to meet one of the doctors. My birthday is the 25th and I can't think of a better gift then to see our beautiful twins again!

It Just Keeps Getting Better !!

2006-03-29T16:35:00.000-05:00

We went for our ultrasound a day early. I played hooky from my EKG class because it was awful and we called the office. They weren't busy and we were really happy that Justine could do the scan because she did the IUI's. Anyway, as soon as she placed the probe they were there. Jeri said f*ck. She doesn't know why, it just came out. We kind of thought it was twins, but you are so afraid to hope after losing so much last year. So without furthur delay... our babies !! & and *. Stay Tuned....

Pukey Jeri

2006-03-15T15:43:00.000-05:00

Jeri is very pukey, and dehydrated. She makes me nervous that she isn't getting enough nutrition. I bought her things to eat that have a little bit more calories. Oatmeal with blueberries, homemade chocolate mousse with heavy cream, ovaltine, yogurt, real egg noodles. She is also having a hard time and needs more fiber so everything I buy I try to get higher fiber. Keeping good track of her calories but the nausea keeps her from wanting to eat anything or drink anything becuase it generally comes back up. My poor baby! only 8 weeks to go before the second trimester! So happy I could puke myself!

So Far So Good

2006-03-11T20:16:00.000-05:00

We went to the infertility office to bring them a thank you card and a plant and left with a STAT Beta HcG. THe first one is 86. We go back to repeat it on Monday. Jeri had about an hour worth of pink spotting last night which I HOPE was only implantation. There was no cramping and she feels very nauseous and her boobs are still big and sore so I am sure everything is just fine. It is so hard to believe that everything will be OK after everything that we have been through. I do believe it though. I know that this time we will be holding a baby. More updates to come... Stay Tuned...

I guess I have my answer.....

2006-03-10T07:52:00.000-05:00

We are PREGNANT again! We went through 4 different test brands including a digital one and they were all positive. We are so excited. Jeri called her entire family @ 6am to tell them.

Psycho Birds

2006-03-09T21:13:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to add something lighter to the blog tonight. I am surrounded by psycho birds that I am convinced will gang up on me and kill me one day. I hear the screeching in my dreams.

Take a deep breath...

2006-03-09T20:51:00.000-05:00

How many times in my life am I going to have to keep taking these big deep breaths and jumping blindly into the world of the unknown. How am I supposed to just keep believing it will all work out?

Jeri and I worked out so shouldn't everything else? My new job is working out, but in that weird place in my mind I feel like if I have too much good that I have to suffer somewhere else to pay the universe back for letting me be happy. I have Amelia and I know that many women would kill to give birth and be able to raise a beautiful healthy child. I have paid for that happiness with my pregnancy loss nightmares though (irrational?).

I am an educated person with a good job but I am paying for that too. My credit sucks and it is mostly my ex husbands fault and I cannot control it and so I can't buy anything big like a house or a car like a normal person.

I found Jeri, and finally feel loved for the first time in my life. I also have not one person in my biological family that will speak to me voluntarily. This is not a huge loss for the most part, and I am in no way suggesting that it is because of Jeri, just the universe evening out the score.

We lost Julia. Now that can be looked at one of two ways. First, I am Pre-suffering for the wonderful babies that jeri and I will have and love in the future. Second, it is an extension of my suffering that I have to endure for having Mia. I guess we will soon find out.

I just want to be ahead. I just want to jump and land on may feet more than not. I want babies with Jeri and not have to suffer and agonize and fall into a dark depression to do it. I am weak from the universe punishing me. It gets to the point where you are OK without anything great for a while because you know that one day the universe will knock you on your ass for it.

Tomorrow morning I will take a deep breath again and get a glimpse of what my future may hold. Could the universe finally let me win?

Stay Tuned...

New Blog

2006-03-08T14:33:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my new blog. After reading the blogs of others on this site I decided that I liked this one better. LJ is really Jeri's thing and myspace is where our family updates but I am hoping to find other people out there. Not that I don't love family but you know what I mean. I am 28 for the next 6 weeks or so. I have found my soulmate Jeri. Yes she is another girl and yes that means that I am a lesbian. I gave birth to our daughter Amelia (Mia) on 1/7/97 and we share her with my ex-husband. Jeri and I (well Jeri really) have been battling with some fertility issues for the past year, and lost our daughter Julia in June @ 10weeks into the pregnancy. We are ending another two week wait on the 12th. Jeri has symptoms of pregnancy but also has had cysts which cause the same symptoms so it is really hard to tell what is going on. I am a Registered Nurse in a small community hospital on a Maternal-Child unit and I mostly do Labor and Delivery. I work Per diem @ another hospital where Jeri and I met and she still works in L&D and NICU. I am 4 classes away from my BSN and hope to start my MSN part time in the fall.